Me, Myself & I

The World the way I see it

Archive for November, 2005

Dad, Can I Come Home?

Posted by Luminus on November 30, 2005

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion dad, she’s pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.

Even though you don’t care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams
too.

Joan taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,
John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

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Posted in Jokes and Humor | 3 Comments »

Recognising a Stroke

Posted by Luminus on November 29, 2005

I got this in my email and I thought it would be a nice thing to share. Read on…

This is quite simple but useful to know and look for.

RECOGNISING A STROKE

During a BBQ a friend stumbled and took a little fall – she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) and just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes.

They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food – while she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. Ingrid’s husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital – (at 6:00pm, Ingrid passed away.)  She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ – had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke perhaps Ingrid would be with us today.

A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke…totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed an getting to the patient within 3 hours which is tough.

Remember the “3” steps. Read and Learn!

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a  stroke.

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple
questions:

1. Ask the individual to SMILE.
2. Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.
3. Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently, i.e… It is
sunny out today)

If he / she has trouble with any of these tasks, call 000 (in OZ) immediately and describe the  symptoms to the dispatcher.

After discovering that a group of non-medical volunteers could identify facial weakness, arm weakness and speech problems, researchers urged the general public to learn the three questions. They presented their conclusions at the American Stroke Association’s annual meeting last February. Widespread use of this test could result in prompt diagnosis and treatment of the stroke and prevent brain damage.

A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved.

BE A FRIEND AND SHARE THIS ARTICLE WITH AS MANY FRIENDS AS POSSIBLE, you could save their lives.

I look forward to the day that Nigerians will have the capacity for such research and the ability to access such information in the public domain. In case you were wondering, for Emergency Medical Servicesin Nigeria, you should call Critical Rescue International, the Numbers to call are as follows:

For Vmobile Members

Using the Vmobile network:      Using other phone networks:
Crisis Centre:         199                                       0802 199
Registration:          177                                       0802 177
For Non-Members
0802 888

You can get more information about how to contact CRI here. So people, please be on the look out for tell tale signs. Go Ahead! Be a Hero!! Save a Life!!!

Posted in Health, Fitness & Wellness | Leave a Comment »

Papal Passage

Posted by Luminus on November 29, 2005

As Pope John Paul II was dying; he sent for Tafa Balogun and Dipereye to come to the Vatican.When they arrived, they were ushered to his bedroom. As they entered , the clergyman held out his hands and motioned them to sit on each side of the bed. The Pope grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both Tafa and Dipereye were touched and flattered that the old Pope would ask
them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the Pope never gave any indication that he liked either one of them.

Finally, Tafa asked, “Fader, what for did you husk de two of huss to come ‘ere?” The old Pope mustered up some strength & said weakly, “Jesus diedbetween two thieves,………I will like to die like him”

Posted in Jokes and Humor | 1 Comment »

Finally Moved

Posted by Luminus on November 25, 2005

I finally moved my blog here from my inital spot on Blogger. T’was quite a bit of work seeing as I couldn’t move my posts here automatically, ‘cos for security reasons, WordPress.com doesn’t allow you to use FTP. I had to paisntakingly copy each post and then edit the timestamp to match what I had on Blogger. Lucky for me, I didn’t have that many posts to copy. On the down side, I couldn’t do anything about the Comments that were already on my Blogger blog, no way for me to move them (what a shame!!!).
I’m glad I was able to do it. The only problem I have right now is that I lack the kind of control I had on Blogger. I can’t add crazy things like My Japanese Name which I got here, or my counter which I got here, unless I add them to a page I create myself. The ability to create pages is cool (try and do that on Blogger), but there are just some stuff I’d rather have on my Blog Home Page.

I should have put this post up since yesterday, but I never got past the first sentence ‘cos there was always something or other that needed my attention. Glad I could finally do it.

I should post some interesting stuff soon. So stay tuned.

Posted in General | Leave a Comment »

Smart Chicks

Posted by Luminus on November 22, 2005

Here’s a little joke I found somewhere on the net and just thought I should share. I know all y’all ladies’ll be pleased with this one and since I’m not really into sexist jokes and I love women, I won’t post any retaliatory jokes for the men to gloat over….then again, I just might. Keep your fingers crossed.

Three women and three men are travelling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket. “How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one of the men. “Watch and learn,” answers one of the women. They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don’t buy any ticket at all!!

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed man. “Watch and learn,” answer the women. When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. The woman knocks on their door and says, “Ticket, please.”

Wonder why men think they’re so much smarter than women.

Posted in Jokes and Humor | 1 Comment »

Alamieyeseigha – Master of Deception

Posted by Luminus on November 22, 2005

This is practically the stuff that movie scripts are made of. A man of the size (being as big as he is) and stature of Chief Diepreye Alamieyeseigha smuggled himself or was smuggled (pick whichever sounds better) out of the UK disguised as a woman and wove an intriguing web of hide and seek plus whodunnit of how he managed to evade the British Security and get into Nigeria.

There are quite a number of different versions to the story that it is hard to ascertain which is true. One says he was helped by Isreali Security operatives, another says he was helped by a certain Ijaw man who according to another story may have been arrested in the UK, yet another says the plan was hatched by at least 4 of his trusted aides who employed a British Security Outfit.

Here is a picture of what he was said to have looked like dressed up as a woman. Can you beat that. For detailed stories you could chek out this news item on the This Day website and this one on the Sun Website.

Whichever way it happened, the only things that are sure is that he is back in Yenagoa, the Bayelsa State Capital, he’s back in charge of the affairs of the state and the people of Bayelsa are jubilant and happy, how come? – Beats me. I would’ve thought they’d be the last people interested in seeing him after realising that he’d been pilfering their money in no small measure, but then again, what do I know, I know nothing of the intrigues and the politics behind the entire “Movie”, as I’d like to refer to the whole Alamieyeseigha Saga from inception, so I have no idea what thoughts and plots are going through the minds of bayelsans as I write this post.

All I can say is that, Bayelsa and Nigeria at large ar in God’s hands ‘cos I can’t, no, I’d rather not imagine what’ll happen in the aftermath of this. I just hope we don’t see a spate of assassinations or assassination attempts in a few weeks.

God help us.

Posted in Naija Issues | Leave a Comment »

The Freedom Toaster

Posted by Luminus on November 21, 2005

For all my open source people, here’s a li’l piece of interesting information. Straight from the creators of Ubuntu – Linux for Human beings, a south african Linus distro based on the Debian Kernel built by Mark Shuttleworth, a South African Entrepreneur who founded Thawte Consulting which he sold to Verisign in December 1999 and amongst other things was the first Tourist in Space, comes The Freedom Toaster.

The Freedom Toaster is a conveniently located, self-contained ‘Bring ‘n Burn’ facility, where users bring their own blank discs and make copies of the open source software they require or in lay terms, an open source vending machine where all the currency you need are your blank CDs, for my Nigerian peeps, this is the Open Source equivalent to CitiServe Refresh. The concept is to put Open Source software within easy reach of the people owing to bandwith issues that make it a majot issue trying to downlaod 650MB or larger ISOs of the net.

Seeing as it’s the brain child of a South African it’s only natural that at present all the Toaster boxes are located in SA. The Software included in the Toaster are largely various Linux Distros and other software like

  • Firemonger CD (Full version)
  • OpenCD 2.0
  • OpenOffice.org 1.1.4 (platform independent)
  • Gutenberg 2003 CD and DVD

Seeing as here in Nigeria we always have the same bandwith issues coupled with the incessant power outages, no thanks to PHCN, it’d be a cool idea to have one or more here in Nigeria. I took the liberty of posting a Toaster Request on the Fredom Toaster site here. You can check it out an maybe add your wn posts, maybe the more the posts from here the higher our chances of actually getting one or more. Registering first might be a good idea.

T’would be cool if we actually did get some so let’s keep our fingers crossed.

That’s all folks.

Posted in Technology and Software | Leave a Comment »

More on Alamieyeseigha

Posted by Luminus on November 21, 2005

Found a more detailed news item on the Reuters UK site. Apparently he came home amidst jubilation from his people. Na Wa Oh! Wonders shall never end. Here is the news item from Reuters. Here’s another story from the BBC. Stay tuned

Posted in Naija Issues | Leave a Comment »

Alamieyeseigha Escapes – I stand corrected

Posted by Luminus on November 21, 2005

Oops… I stand corrected. I just found a story corroborating part of this post. At least I know that for real he’s back and he’s in the state house. This Day Newspaper has put up a breaking news story on their website corroborating this.

Check back for updates.

Posted in Naija Issues | Leave a Comment »

Alamieyeseigha Escapes

Posted by Luminus on November 21, 2005

Sweet Jesus,
As at the time of this post, this story is still unconfirmed. It’s purely speculations and li’l pockets of gist that I picked up while I was at lunch today at the Brass LNG cafeteria where I had gone to sort out a minor bug that had developed with the Bespoke Software I had built for their Contracts & Procurements department.

I was sweating like crazy because for some reason, they’d had a power outage all morning and their main generator had some issues that the engineers were trying to resolve, hence there was no cold water from the dispenser, the espresso machine was off, all airconditioners were down and all printers and xerox machines were offline. T’was just the IT Generator that was working so there was power to run the PC’s and of course the Central Server.

Anyway, back to my story, as I sat savouring my three course meal of Chicken Pepper Soup and Garlic Bread for starters, Some kinda rice (I have no idea what it’s called) with sweet corn, mushrooms, beef and chicken as the main dish wiv a bottle of Sprite to boot and Vanilla Ice-Cream for desert, I heard that the embattled Bayelsa State Governor Diepreye Alamieyeseigha had escaped and was back in the country, rumour has it that he disguised and stowed away aboard a cargo ship. Rumour also has it that he has returned to Bayelsa State where he has taken over the helms of affairs and that he even addressed a news conference an hour or so ago. The major school of thought at the dining room was that it was an error for him to have been granted bail as that is what facilitated his getaway.

These are all sketchy details, as soon as I wrapped up lunch, I headed straight for the PC I had been working on to fix the problem with the software, which incidentally had been as a result of one of the members of staff deleting a record they shouldn’t have. I searched all the major news sites and search engines for news corroborating this story but came up with zilch.

If this story is true, international news organizations like CNN may not have heard about it because of the scandal it would bring to the British Security and Judicial Systems respectively and back here in Nigeria you can be sure that it’ll take a while for it to come on TV and even longer for it to appear on the Web as updates to the sites of the few news papers that have websites are often late.

I hate to wonder the kind of image that would be projected of the general nigerian public, especially if he’s allowed to finish off his tenure in office. The effects would be far reaching and it may do more to mar the already blighted image of Nigeria and Nigerians whether resident in Nigeria or in diaspora.

God help us!!!!

Posted in Naija Issues | Leave a Comment »