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Jokes and Humour

Productivity: Soccer Style

Posted by Luminus on July 12, 2006

Here’s a little something to ticle your funny bone, hope you get a few laughs and please feel free to pass it around.

To: All staff
From: Company president
Subject: Low productivity

It has come to my attention that productivity has dropped drastically since Friday, June 9th. I’m not sure what’s going on, but please be assured that I’m monitoring the situation closely and will suspend or terminate employees who aren’t pulling their own weight.

For the company to be successful, it’s important for all of us to work hard. We need to learn from the examples set by the following managers, whom I’m pleased to recognize.

John Tembo, Human Resources Manager: I was walking past John’s office and heard him and several employees shouting “Goal! Goal! Goal!” When I knocked on the door, John told me they were watching a training video to help them achieve company goals.

I have nominated each of them for our Employee of the Month Award. It’s important for all of us to focus on goals. As John said, “Without goals, our team will lose.”

Carlos Mendez, Sales and Distribution Manager: Carlos called me on Friday morning to say he was ill and couldn’t come to work. His doctor had diagnosed him with a rare illness called socceritis. The illness affects patients for at least a month and there’s a chance of relapse every four years.

As you can imagine, I was rather shocked and saddened. I wondered how we could manage without Carlos for so long. Perhaps Carlos read my mind, for he immediately put me at ease. “I’ll come to work, boss,” he said. “The illness isn’t contagious. I just need to return home to get 90
minutes of rest a few times a day.”

D([“mb”,”
our Courage and Inspiration Award.

Ravi Narayanan,\n Product Design Manager: As of Friday, Ravi is testing an
innovative program he developed called WHFH (Work Hard From Home). He
believes it will not only increase productivity in his department but
also lower costs considerably, particularly the cost of buying coffee and
doughnuts. Ravi came to work briefly on Tuesday and I overheard him
saying to another manager, "South Korea 2, Togo 1." I asked him about it
and he said, "That\’s the number of customers we have in each country."

I was extremely pleased. I didn\’t realize we had a customer in Togo. I am
nominating Ravi for our\n Innovative Spirit Award.

Hans Mueller, Advertising Manager: Hans, as you know, is always looking
for new ways to advertise, new ways to reach potential customers. Since
Friday, he has been personally manning an information booth at the ESPN
Sports Bar. I paid a surprise visit to the bar and heard Hans talking to
an employee about something called "World Cup." He told me it\’s an
acronym he\’s using to motivate employees: WORLDCUP (Working Overtime
Results in Less Disappointment and Creates an Upsurge in Productivity.)

I am nominating Hans for the High Motivation Award.

Ming Yu, Technology Manager: I found Ming coming out of a bathroom stall
with a small battery-operated TV. He said he\’s testing a video
conferencing system that will enable employees to continue to work while
doing their business. A few minutes later, I heard Ming telling his
assistant how
many customers we have in certain\n countries. I was proud to hear all the
numbers, but disappointed to realize we have no customers in America.
That\’s a huge market that we\’re missing out on.

In any case, I am nominating Ming for the Bathroom Productivity Award.

“,1]
);

//–>What an example Carlos is setting for all of us. I am nominating him for our Courage and Inspiration Award.

Ravi Narayanan,
Product Design Manager: As of Friday, Ravi is testing an innovative program he developed called WHFH (Work Hard From Home). He believes it will not only increase productivity in his department but also lower costs considerably, particularly the cost of buying coffee and doughnuts.

Ravi came to work briefly on Tuesday and I overheard him saying to another manager, “South Korea 2, Togo 1.” I asked him about it and he said, “That’s the number of customers we have in each country.”

I was extremely pleased. I didn’t realize we had a customer in Togo. I am nominating Ravi for our
Innovative Spirit Award.

Hans Mueller, Advertising Manager: Hans, as you know, is always looking for new ways to advertise, new ways to reach potential customers. Since Friday, he has been personally manning an information booth at the ESPN Sports Bar.

I paid a surprise visit to the bar and heard Hans talking to an employee about something called “World Cup.” He told me it’s an acronym he’s using to motivate employees: WORLDCUP (Working Overtime Results in Less Disappointment and Creates an Upsurge in Productivity.)

I am nominating Hans for the High Motivation Award.

Ming Yu, Technology Manager: I found Ming coming out of a bathroom stall with a small battery-operated TV. He said he’s testing a video conferencing system that will enable employees to continue to work while doing their business.

A few minutes later, I heard Ming telling his assistant how many customers we have in certain
countries. I was proud to hear all the numbers, but disappointed to realize we have no customers in America. That’s a huge market that we’re missing out on.

In any case, I am nominating Ming for the Bathroom Productivity Award.

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Daddy’s 10 Rules of Dating his Daughter

Posted by Luminus on June 13, 2006

While I was searching for an appropriate link for the book, 10 Commandments of Dating, I typed 10 Rules of Dating in Google instead and I found this piece. I think it's cool so I'm sharing it.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier Method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka — zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car –there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Posted in Jokes and Humor | 8 Comments »

Grown Women

Posted by Luminus on June 13, 2006

A lovely sista sent me this, I guess that makes me one of only a few good men.

This differentiates between girls and grown women. I think that in some ways we can adapt this to the men as well, I’m too buzy (more like lazy) to do it so if you want to, go ahead and if you can, send it to me so I can put it up.

The thing that really jumps out at me from this is Rule No. 1 from the book 10 Commandments of Dating by Ben Young and Samuel Adams, Get a Life. That’s enough rambling, enjoy.

Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits in.
 
Girls want to control the man in their life.
Grown women know that if he’s truly hers, he doesn’t need controlling.
 
Girls check you for not calling them.
Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn’t.
 
Girls try to put a man ‘on lock’ by using sex.
Grown women know that it’s the sex of the mental kind that makes a man want to ‘lock’ you down.
 
Girls fake-moan, lay there and take the stabbing.
Grown women say, “Just stop”, get up, get dressed and walk out.
 
Girls are afraid to be alone.
Grown women revel in it– using it as a time for personal growth.
 
Girls ignore the good guys.
Grown women ignore the bad guys.
 
Girls make you come.
Grown women make you come home.
 
Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.
 
Girls try to monopolize all their man’s time (i.e., don’t want him hanging with his friends).
Grown women realize that a lil’ bit of space makes the ”together time’ even more special — and goes to kick it with her own friends!
 
Girls think a guy crying is weak.
Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.
 
Girls want to be spoiled and ‘tell’ their man so.
Grown women teach by example and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without any slur on his “manhood”.
 
Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
Grown women know that was just one man.
 
Girls fall in love, chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all ‘signs’.
Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don’t always love you back– and move on, without bitterness.
 
Girls will read this and get an attitude.
Grown women will read this and pass it on to other Grown women and a few good men!!

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Excellent poems by not so famous poets…

Posted by Luminus on June 5, 2006

Excellent poems by not so famous poets… found on toilet doors and walls……….these are

the Robert Frosts or Nissim Ezekiels of today…to the manor born…

A budding poet trying his best…

Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this…

Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted

Someone who had a different experience wrote,

You’re lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!

Perhaps it’s true that people find inspiration in toilets.

I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.

There are also people who come in for a different purpose…

Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls…

Toilets walls also double as job advertisement space…….

(written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line, the Singapore Fire Department wants you.

Ministry of Environment advertisement.

We aim to please!
You aim too! Please!

Seen above a urinal:

Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don’t piss in your ashtrays!

On the inside of a toilet door:

Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.

A sign at a swimming pool bathroom:

We don’t swim in your toilet, so please don’t pee in our pool.

Another sign seen at a swimming pool:

Welcome to our ool.
Notice there’s no P in it.
Please keep it that way.

And finally, this should teach some a lesson…

Sign seen at a restaurant:

The hands that clean these toilets also make your food…please aim properly!

Hope you have a blast.

Nuff love.

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Woman . . . as explained by an engineer

Posted by Luminus on June 5, 2006

This is some really interesting stuff I came across. The things you are about to see don't necessarily reflect my views or opinions, so don't call me sexist or any other Gender Sensitive name. 🙂

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Posted in Jokes and Humor | 6 Comments »

Incredible Offer – Hurry While Stocks last

Posted by Luminus on June 5, 2006

Howdy people, brand new Nokia phone with camera at the giveaway price of $50. Payments accepted in all currencies and shipping is free anywhere in the world.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Jokes and Humor | 2 Comments »

Marriage Commandments

Posted by Luminus on June 2, 2006

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. 

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about Something you
say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Bonus Commandment story.
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too.
But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The
wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "So It really works!"

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Posted in Jokes and Humor | 13 Comments »

Lipstick Remover

Posted by Luminus on June 1, 2006

A man goes to his doctor and says, ”Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I’ve got a problem.”

The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis.

The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area. ”It’s all cleared up!” the man reports when he returns.

”But what was that medication you gave me?”

”Lipstick remover.”

Posted in Jokes and Humor | 1 Comment »

Don’t wanna miss a thing

Posted by Luminus on June 1, 2006

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”

The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, “Well,I don’t know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant – about 4 months would be my guess.”

The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?” Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?”

The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

Posted in Jokes and Humor | 2 Comments »

Some Holy Humour

Posted by Luminus on May 31, 2006

There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of The Hicksville Southern Baptist Church. It seems the first hint of Trouble came when the Pastor preached on "dedicating yourselves to service" and the Choir Director chose to sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved."

Trying to believe it was a coincidence; the Pastor put the incident behind him. The next Sunday he preached on "Giving". Afterwards, The choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All."

By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on "the sin of gossiping". Would you believe the Choir Director selected: "I Love To Tell the Story."

There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight."

Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later; explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The Choir Director could not resist: "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

Have a swell day y'all

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